How Now?

Picture taken through eyepiece of a ViewMaster, of Swiss (possibly Austrian on holiday) cow. But that’s a potential vacation for another time [sell more Mettler, dammit]. Tomorrow begins happy holidaymaking for Swiss Family thehandoftamm. The Nat. Lampoon Truckster is a-packed in anticipation of Apple-picking. Mrs thehandoftamm has successfully negotiated a most unfair money-losing scheme for our hotel and your correspondent intends to squander those savings at the public house or on the ponies at Meadowlands. The plan cannot fail. Updates to follow.

Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves

If you haven't read the very excellent novel (honest, I did so before it got nominated for all those awards), I highly recommend you do so straight away before looking like some kind of weak-minded joiner. You're not weak-minded, are you? So go read the damn book already cuz I said so! Click pic for original, less funny, jacket.

C’m'here, C’m'here. Go’way.

okay, this didn't really work out owing to crude cutting and pasting available only, not some silky PhotoShoppery. Beware: more brother puns to come.

 

Only Fools Allow Themselves to Hope

Today we took the children to Centre Island–or, as they will forever remember it, Deception Island: Where the Lying Grownups Lie. Rides were closed without reason and only sarcastic apologies offered (see previous post). The promises of a Labyrinth that I had been a-making for days (visions of Bowie/Connelly to be self-provided) were fulfilled by a patch of dirt and empty assurances for next year. The farm animals were pleading with the Ford Brothers not to close their home, fearing being sent en masse out into the mean streets of Hogtown. Lastly, the café had closed its dining room, preferring all customers to stay out on the patio. As there was no room for us outside and no room in their account for our offers of money, we were turned away hungry. We were grateful for the safe return to the mainland, where life doesn’t run on Island time, according to Island rules.

Lest that all seem negative, me and the boy truly did enjoy the flume ride.

You may have won this round, Centreville, but be warned: we’re coming back next year and we’re bringing bikes. We may even exercise our clothing options at Hanlan’s Point!

Sorry. Not Really

Not a new sign and not really sorry. Mockery at Centre Island.

Not Shy, Retiring

Who Dat?

On the highway moments ago when suddenly a sulfurous stench came through the vents. I worried we had run over a skunk having just come from getting a perm but it turned out to be Timmy’s tour bus entering from the on-ramp, on his way to ladle some fascist kool-aid to the waiting cups of Ontario’s massive wing of deranged crackpots. Do some people actually want to set the clock back to Mike Harris’ special brand of hell?

Fahrvergnügen (Lunch is Back)

Simply Read – Man and Woman

Holding Back The Ethics

Mammo Grammar

Giorgio Mammoliti is my kind of politician. You know the kind: hypocritical and sensitive. Today, city council was voting on, among other things, bike lanes: on Oakwood, on Keele, on Bloor and Danforth and in Scarborough and so on. But, really, the big issue was the bike lanes on Jarvis. You will recall them as the ones that knocked out that centre car lane that switched from southbound to northbound and back again with the flow of commuter rush hours. Very contentious, these lanes. Mayoralty candidates from our last election (you will recall that as the one that brought in Team Ford) even ran on platforms that consisted of little other than removing these bike lanes for once and for all. Today, Rob Ford got down to the extremely straight business of fulfilling promises and did so with the help of Giorgio (and 26 other councillors): no more bike lanes for Jarvis. Damn the costs associated with this reversal—so long as they’re getting it ‘right’ this time!

Of course, some people wanted these bike lanes to remain. Hellz, there was a time when Mammoliti was a bike lane booster! To draw attention to council flip-floppery, Shelley Carroll aired a video of council voting for these lanes in 2009, a move that caused the councillor for Ward 7 York West to temporarily leave the chambers in outrage or embarrassment. Had he stayed, Giorgio could have relived his glorious oratory wherein he rosily predicted that Jarvis would universally be viewed as “wonderful” once transformed. I guess he now has buyer’s remorse…or has learned how to be a populist among his constituents and/or suck up to the mayor of the day. Today, his quotables are far different, issuing ultimatums to Toronto’s pedallers: if you want to use the roads like everyone else, obey the rules of the road, can’t blow through red lights. “If you do [start following rules], we can get a little further to support you in the future.” What the f*ck is that—a sinister threat or a benevolent promise? I suppose we must remember that this is the same councillor who removed basketball hoops from Strathburn Park because he claimed they were attracting troubled youth and drug dealers. Was there any promise made to return the hoops if the dribbling kids of the neighbourhood swore to keep their noses clean and the drug-sellers out?

Giorgio, tbothot salutes you as a man who knows how to succeed: sensing when to flip and remain on whatever side’s winning. You have studied your WWII well, signore Mammoliti!